Losing your grip

It is hard to imagine at the time of birth, no, the time of conception that the life that you bring into this world will end up causing you so much pain and heart ache. You begin to wonder when there wasn't a time of drama.

As an infant, never happy to be left in her bouncy chair long enough for you to peel the potatoes for dinner. As a toddler so very jealous of her baby brother to the point of pinching and covering his mouth. Then as a preschooler throwing herself on the floor kicking and screaming. As a teen lying to you left and right where she is going, who she is with, snicking out in the middle of the night and having the nerve to waltz in the next day like it was all ok.

So, when and infant you convince your toddler to entertain long enough for you to start dinner. As she attempts to pinch or choke her brother you step in quickly and correct the behavior. the preschool tantrum, you walk away and ignore and she stops when there is no attention. The rebellious teen is grounded and watched and all to no avail.

At wits end you take her to a psychiatrist, sure there is something wrong with her. Bipolar, lets give her some drugs. No time is spent talking, explaining, identifying behavior - just give her some pills. This goes over like lead.... I don't like the way they make me feel. Hows that? Flat, numb. So they take away the racing, impulsive, irresponsible behavior that will one day get you into trouble. In a nut shell. Does she continue the meds to develop a balance? NO!

So where do we go from there.... kicked out of school for getting caught smoking pot. Moving out and in with a coke head who introduces you to this wonderful powder and buys your booze at 18. This is until he hits you (but you also hit him), call mommy to come get you after the two of you have been up for days and he's had enough of your bullshit and I in my wisdom drag you off to the magistrate to file an assault charge. Poor guy, didn't know what was coming.

Back home again, meeting and partying with various no good punks that also have a drug habit. None what you for long because you carry too much baggage, drama to the extreme, because drugs and alcohol bring out the psycho in you. Theres that old bipolar personality that doesn't like to me medicated. It's ok to slide along without prescribed drugs, you can even out to a certain extent, but all the party pharicutical and booze and you become another animal. I don't even want to be around you. Irrational, combative, nasty, bitchy, drama queen. All this and you aren't even 20 yet.