It comes home to die

No matter how much I would want it to turn out different it has gone the wrong way. Her game is to play us. Give the illusion of maybe doing the right thing and then doing it her way. After a week of 'getting it together' she comes home and pretends to talk to us while her friend that I asked her not to let upstairs collected clothes and some of her things. If she didn't want me to notice the missing shampoo/conditioner and bodywash she should not have left the light on. What a lier.

It hurts so much that my daughter that I gave birth to, held to my breast, rocked to sleep and comforted now sees me as the enemy and at 23 has wasted her life and will continue to do so. She appears to have dumped or been dumped by the 'looser' and is according to her staying with that redneck woman. She trusts the wrong persons and ends up getting screwed.

So.... the plan, that's if my husband mr. I'm not ready to doing anything/take no action, is to cut her phone service on Thursday. I warned her she had till then to get another phone. It is my firm opinion that she will not be returning tonight, tomorrow or anyday for any reason other than to collect more of her things. I want to pack them all up and deposit them in the basement. It's enough that I washed and folded all her nasty things just to get the stink out of the bedroom, all her things should go in the garbage. I plan to reclaim my storage bin tomorrow. I will get a box for the shitty clothes that are in it now and take back my bin.

No more double standards in this house. She told us she can't pass a drug test so why should she stay. We corrected and said we said random and it did not mean the minute she returned but she is to expect them at any time. What does this mean?? She is still using.

I don't hold hope for the future. I cry and dream of crying for the child I have lost. I can't think of it any other way. I won't go down that road of looking the other way again. I will not be drawn into the drama. If Ayman wants to hold out thats his business, he is on his own. I wash my hands.

Put up or shut up

The truth of the matter is she continues to find losers that are also into one drug or another. Currently she is hooked on "ROXYS" thanks to her current 28 y/o unemployed loser 'friend'. She will defend him to the end and he has threatened to call the cops and have her arrested twice in front of me and on numerous occasions that she tells about. The hit each other and verbally abuse each other and she buys his fix for him, gas in his car, food on his table. I can not convince her that he is toxic and they are going down together. I forsee jail time in the, dare I say and jinx it. near future.

Ground rules: NO MORE DRUGS!!! You are subject to search and drug testingm. We will take you to your deadend job and pick you up. You will count your money each day after work in front of me and we will store in location only you and I know (this is to be sure she is not buying, which she still could if she held back). No going out with friends for one month, till we are reasonable sure you are clean. NO CONTACT WITH LOSER!! Can not drive any of the cars. Pay your cell phone bill or we will cut your service. NO MORE DRUGS!!!! Stop lying!!!

Did not even last 24 hours. She bitched and moaned at the list and proceeded to spend the night out with "ASHLEY: lie #1" I don't have any drugs: found in her purse lie #2 I am not talking or texting loser: Lie #3 I pulled her phone activity.

Tough decision: Will we kick her out to sink or swim. Deciding by end of this week.

Losing your grip

It is hard to imagine at the time of birth, no, the time of conception that the life that you bring into this world will end up causing you so much pain and heart ache. You begin to wonder when there wasn't a time of drama.

As an infant, never happy to be left in her bouncy chair long enough for you to peel the potatoes for dinner. As a toddler so very jealous of her baby brother to the point of pinching and covering his mouth. Then as a preschooler throwing herself on the floor kicking and screaming. As a teen lying to you left and right where she is going, who she is with, snicking out in the middle of the night and having the nerve to waltz in the next day like it was all ok.

So, when and infant you convince your toddler to entertain long enough for you to start dinner. As she attempts to pinch or choke her brother you step in quickly and correct the behavior. the preschool tantrum, you walk away and ignore and she stops when there is no attention. The rebellious teen is grounded and watched and all to no avail.

At wits end you take her to a psychiatrist, sure there is something wrong with her. Bipolar, lets give her some drugs. No time is spent talking, explaining, identifying behavior - just give her some pills. This goes over like lead.... I don't like the way they make me feel. Hows that? Flat, numb. So they take away the racing, impulsive, irresponsible behavior that will one day get you into trouble. In a nut shell. Does she continue the meds to develop a balance? NO!

So where do we go from there.... kicked out of school for getting caught smoking pot. Moving out and in with a coke head who introduces you to this wonderful powder and buys your booze at 18. This is until he hits you (but you also hit him), call mommy to come get you after the two of you have been up for days and he's had enough of your bullshit and I in my wisdom drag you off to the magistrate to file an assault charge. Poor guy, didn't know what was coming.

Back home again, meeting and partying with various no good punks that also have a drug habit. None what you for long because you carry too much baggage, drama to the extreme, because drugs and alcohol bring out the psycho in you. Theres that old bipolar personality that doesn't like to me medicated. It's ok to slide along without prescribed drugs, you can even out to a certain extent, but all the party pharicutical and booze and you become another animal. I don't even want to be around you. Irrational, combative, nasty, bitchy, drama queen. All this and you aren't even 20 yet.